Random House to Publish Rob Ford Memoir

NEW YORK – The crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford announced today that he’s taking a break from being the sometimes mayor to focus on his writing career. Ford, who said he learned to read during the last election campaign, is confident he’ll top the library circulation of Crazy Town, written by his literary nemesis Robyn “my face is up here” Doolittle.

PITCH THIS! EXCLUSIVE EXCERPT:

The strong and manishly handsome mayor and part-time football star gently stroked the councilwoman’s short blonde hair with his powerful hands. She smiled, eyeing the mayors impressive package tucked under his $75 mustard-stained suit.
“If you don’t get a shot in two seconds, I’m going to knock your f—–g teeth out,” he growled from deep within his gyrating sweaty belly. Then with all the enthusiasm of a Tory at the trough, he greedily jammed her mouth full of his gravy soaked sausage. Like a voting pro from North Etobicoke she swallowed his pole fully. Pulling his now deflated member out of her chamber he smiled and whispered in her right ear, “Let’s get the F— out of here. Maybe California. I think Hudak and the gays are coming.”

Margaret Atwood has yet to comment on this recent addition to the tomes of Canadian literature.

I’m Anthony Anderson and that’s your Pitch This! News wrap up.

Mirren, Middleton, Midriff

LONDON – Kate Middleton (the Duchess of Cambridge and monarchist fantasy wank) welcomed Helen Mirren to Buckingham Palace recently as part of a Royal Academy of Dramatic Art Reception. Helen, who has played a host of royals over her career, including Elizabeth I and Elizabeth II (Britain’s current monarch and monarchist fantasy wank), was among a host of stars who greeted Kate and the Queen.

“My husband called you granny last night,” Kate quipped to Helen, according to Pitch This! gossip columnist Clammy J. Byner. Mirren, an ageless movie star, laughed at the comment, as she is in talks to play Kate Middleton early next year mostly due to her willingness to do topless scenes.

I’m Anthony Anderson and that’s your Pitch This! News wrap up.

Fallon Angel

NEW YORK – If Jimmy Fallon had already proven he was a natural hosting NBC’s “Late Night,” he left no doubt Monday that “The Tonight Show” now fits him like a glove. As promised during the much-promoted run-up to his “Tonight Show” debut, Fallon made no drastic changes to the “Late Night” formula that had served him for five years.

Critics praised Fallon for remaining funny, gracious, bubbly and, above all, comfortable presiding over a show that was different mostly for its earlier time slot, its classier production values and legendary brand name. Regular viewers of the program (aka senior citizens with bad eyesight) did however note that Jay’s new look is a tad on the young side.

I’m Anthony Anderson and that’s your Pitch This! News wrap up.

CTV’s YouTube Love In

OTTAWA – CTV news is reporting that hidden cameras in Oslo, Norway captured a series of emotional moments when strangers offered their coats, scarves and gloves to a shivering 11-year-old boy who was sitting on a bench at a bus stop, without a jacket.

The piece went on to describe two more ‘viral’ YouTube advertisements that have collected over one million views in less than a 24-hour period. The ‘news piece’ is the latest in CTV’s up-to-the-minute breaking news reports focusing on Twitter feeds, Facebook statuses, and Yelp reviews. Can you say, Pulitzer! (or is that spelt Pfizer?)

I’m Anthony Anderson and that’s your Pitch This! News wrap up.

Russian Bobsled Team Spanks Pussy Riot

MOSCOW – Pussy Riot protest band members Maria Alyokhina and Nadezhda Tolokonnikova were released from police custody early in the week, Tolokonnikova’s husband said hours after they were detained in Sochi, Russia, for protesting Vladimir Putin’s archaic laws.

The girls were later given a gold medal, er, I mean a public spanking by the Russian Bobsled team.

I’m Anthony Anderson and that’s your Pitch This! News wrap up.

Jason Kenny Plays Race Card

TORONTO – The Conservative government is proposing sweeping changes to the Citizenship Act that included increasing eligibility requirements for immigrants and stripping citizenship from terrorists.

Minister of Multiculturalism Jason Kenny says the changes are aimed at strengthening the value of Canadian citizenship. “Canadians understand that citizenship should not be simply a passport of convenience. Citizenship is a pledge of mutual responsibility and a shared commitment to values rooted in our history. You know – white guy stuff.”

Windows Leadership Crashes

WASHINGTON – Microsoft has announced that founder Bill Gates is stepping aside as chairman of the high tech company to be replaced with Indian-born Satya Nadella. Gates says that the company needs to move with the times and adapt new ideas and styles of operation.

Indian-born Nadella is fully expected to replace the rest of Microsoft’s board members with several of his cousins named Sanji and move operations to a hot, tiny office building in Mumbai while commanding an impressive salary of $7.85 per hour.

I’m Anthony Anderson and that’s your Yahoo! News wrap up.

Rob ‘on top’ of Gay Issue

TORONTO – Mayor-in-name-only and undisputed champion of poor people when the camera is rolling  Rob Ford will not be attending this year’s Pride Parade, but, unlike in years past, it’s not because of a conflicting family trip to the cottage.

“I’m not going to go to Pride Parade. I’ve never gone to a Pride Parade so I’m not going to change the way I am,” Ford said at City Hall. Kudos to Ford for solving the age old debate: are people born stupid or is it a lifestyle choice.

The mayor, who already participates in a high-risk lifestyle including ‘recreational’ crack cocaine use as well as an alleged underage prostitution ring, has continuously bashed gay rights activist in Toronto. Even at one time telling members of Ford Nation that they can get AIDS from voting for Olivia Chow.

I’m Anthony Anderson and that’s your Pitch This! News wrap up.

Half Price Junos Still Available

WINNIPEG – Celebrating the best that Canada has to offer in music, the Juno Awards are set to rock Winnipeg at the end of March. This year, organizers hope it will be a star-studded show with everyone from Drake to twerk-master Robin Thicke up for nominations, as well as hipster favourites The Beards, er, I mean Arcade Fire.

The Junos are often considered the Canadian Grammys minus the glamour, prestige, and media converge – but that doesn’t stop would-be Canadian note makers from endless tours, writing songs about the prairies, and selling 6-10 albums a year to family and friends.

As with previous Junos, artists are still required to purchase their statute, however, this year organizers are proud to report that discounted Junos can still be found at pawn shops throughout the Greater Winnipeg Area.

I’m Anthony Anderson and that’s your Pitch This! News wrap up.

Won’t you take me to Crazytown

FORD NATION – Robyn Doolittle’s new book “Crazy Town: The Rob Ford Story” details Ford’s rise to power and his family’s history of alleged criminal activity and substance abuse. Ford More Years supporters have been dismissive of the damning book, especially since it includes a dystopian preface from Margaret Atwood.

In fact big brother Doug has been crowing his familiar tune calling Doolittle’s book full of fabrications based on anonymous sources. “We aren’t even in the same league as someone like the Kennedys,” Doug Ford said. “It’s a joke. We’re just down here to help the people of Toronto and that’s it.” The aspiring Tory backbencher concluded that the left wing also needs to stop attacking people who can’t read including himself and his family! Well put councillor!

I’m Anthony Anderson and that’s your Pitch This! News wrap up.